Confessions, with catastrophe in mind
by ShimmyStack
Summary: Short Stack fan-fic. Kind of... This piece of writing may be triggering. It's not art, any vicious or negative responses will not be appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

_I hate everything, and everyone… That may sound harsh to you, but it's actually an understatement._

_The people in my family, never cease to upset me. I can never do anything right in their eyes. Whenever I do something that could benefit them, they never see it, or pay any attention, but whenever I do something that angers them in the slightest, they never forget it…_

_I sometimes don't see the point in living if I can't do anything right for anyone…_

_**What's the point of me being here?**_

_It's not like anyone, at all, wants me around, they may say that they do, but it's just getting harder and harder to believe them. People wouldn't care if I dissappeared…_

Woah. I just let it all out…

It may be slightly psychotic that I just sit here and listen to my thoughts, but I had to let it out… somehow… It's a distraction, I need those.

As I left my bed and entered the hallway, the shadows of every regular household object became unfriendly, they soon became daunting silhouettes of the monsters you dream of. _**Am I afraid of the dark?**_

It's all in my head, I hope.

I soon found myself in the bathroom at the end of the hallway, and was greeted by an old friend. As the blade danced across my wrist, an inhuman pain became apparent. Yet, not that of physical pain, _why doesn't it hurt yet?_

It was then that I had decided, that I did not want to live anymore. I rummaged through the cabinets that were set in the wall above the sink,

what could I find? _Anything to stop everything…_

In the end, I have no idea what I took, but there was a lot of it…

It wasn't long before it started working.

My head felt heavy and clouded. _**It's no use.**_

I felt sick to my stomach, and found refuge on the floor. My heart pounding so fast, the chill began to set in.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up, my head pounding. _**Fuck, what have I done?**_

_**"Shaun, Shaun come downstairs."**_

_Oh, no... Mum's home._

I picked up my jacket, and stumbled over the mess in the bathroom...  
>...the mess in the bathroom! I couldn't leave it like that, someone would be smart enough to figure out what I'd done. <em>Or, attempted to do, rather.<br>_  
>I picked up all the empty packets of pills and medications and shoved them in a small box that I found under the sink. I rinsed the razor and slowly, carefully, slid it into my pocket.<br>As I picked up my jacket and walked down the hallway with the 'evidence', I had just about passed my room when I heard someone coming up the stairs.  
><em><br>Shit._

I threw the box under my desk and closed the door, as I put on my jacket. Just as I had put my arms into the sleeves, mum tapped me on the shoulder, causing me to spin around nervously.

"Hey, mum, uh... you're home early?" I muttered._ Idiot, you probably don't even know what the time is..._

She gave me a concerned look and raised an eyebrow. "It's eight-thirty, Shaun." she replied.

"Oh..." I was just about to make some retarded excuse, as to why I'd lost at least four hours of the night, when she cut me off.

"Your father and your brothers and I are going out to dinner. We didn't think you'd want to come, so you can stay home. Rent a movie or something..."  
><em>Thanks, mum. Of course I wouldn't want to spend quality time with my family...<br>_I nodded hesitantly and she gave me yet another concerned look. But instead of doing anything about it, she grabbed her coat off the hook and went into her room to find her bag_. 'Rent a movie or something...'_

After they had left I sat in my room. On my bed. Staring at my feet.

_**It's going to be a long night...**_

_**-**_

_**About an hour later.**_

I was just about asleep when my phone vibrated.

**"Hey Shaun, it's mum. We're going to a movie before dinner, and probably won't be home for a bit, sorry hun. Love you. xx"**

_Love me? You don't love me? _**"Okay, all good. See you then, mum."**

I closed my eyes and pressed 'send' a few tears ran down my face. I wondered if maybe, this was an over-reaction, but every time she said she loved me, or anyone for that matter, I never believed them. Why would anyone _love_me? I hate myself, I assume they should too...

School tomorrow, great...

I hated school, and of course, school hated me too.  
>Especially Tyler and Jack.<p>

I didn't have any friends at school, I just sat by myself on an old wooden table under a tree at the back of the school during lunch, I had never bothered to talk to anyone, and my grades were average. I reckon if I had associated with anyone, and made friends, they'd be lower.  
>The only subjects I enjoyed were Art, English and Music. Art, because the teacher just lets us listen to our iPod's and tune out, and just draw, or paint, or sculpt, or anything creative.<br>English because, there were no judgemental people in English class, the teacher was great, I was great at the subject, and nobody stared at me or anything.  
>Then there was music, music was probably the favourite. I have been learning guitar, and my teacher says I have great singing potential. Although, the rest of the class has never heard me sing.<p>

What worried me were the days where I had none of those subjects, or the days that Tyler and Jack were there, and the time frames between classes...  
>I started to shake. <em><strong>I can't go to school tomorrow.<strong>_

I'll pretend I'm sick or something...

Maybe I should just get some sleep first.


	3. Chapter 3

"Rise and shine, sleepy head!" shouted mum as she opened the blinds that hung next to my bed.

_**Ugh, sunlight.**_ It burned my eyelids as it peered through the dusty wooden blinds and rested on my face, I went to pull my blanket over my face, but my mother had pre-meditated my actions. She ripped my blanket off my bed, revealing my thin, frail body, twisted into a half-foetal position, my knees resting toward my chest.

"Get up, Shaun!" she beamed. "You're going to school today, no matter what, you can't have any more days off, or you'll be kicked out!"  
><strong><br>**_**Can I, please? That'd be great.**___

After some arguing, and begging to no avail, I was out of bed, and getting changed for school.

My school uniform consisted of a white polo shirt and grey slacks or grey shorts, although I never wore the slacks or shorts, instead I slipped the white shirt on, and kept my black skinny-leg jeans on.

I squirmed my feet into a pair of black converse shoes, and picked up an old, weathered back-pack, throwing a few sheets of blank, lined paper and a blue pen in there, along with my phone, iPod and a packet of cigarettes I had smuggled from my dad's car, I slung the bag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically marched down the stair-case.

As I slowly kept my pace toward the school, I heard the laughter and chatter among the students, and I heard it change to a meer whisper as I approached. _**They don't like me, I don't care.**_

I checked my schedule for today;  
>Math - Free class - Recess - Free class - Lunch - Art - Home.<p>

_**Why did I even bother coming to school today?**_

At least I'll be looking forward to the last class of the day, art. I love art.

People began to stare. I felt uncomfurtable and pulled down the sleeves of my jacket. I walked to my usual spot, the old wooden table under the biggest, darkest tree in the whole school, little did anyone know, there was a hole in the fence behind the tree, which was absolutley perfect for the 'middle-of-the-day escapes' I had always taken advantage of.  
><em>Nobody had ever caught me, yet.<br>_  
>As I drifted off to sleep, almost on the table, under the tree I heard footsteps, I sat up, in fear that it was one of my tormentors. Instead, it was an unfamilliar face. He was a thin, lanky young boy, about my age, with short brown hair and braces on his teeth, he wore dorky grey shorts and donned a half-ironed, half-tucked, half buttoned-up white shirt with a school crest stitched into it.<p>

"Why do you sit here, alone?" the boy said. _He must be new.  
><em>  
>"I... Uh, don't really have a choice. Who are you?" I nervously uttered.<br>"My name is Bradie, my step-brother and I have noticed that you sit here by yourself, every day."

_**Every day? **__Maybe he's not as 'new' as I thought...  
><em>  
>"Don't really have a choice? Why's that?" He queried. <em>He must be thick-headed...<br>_  
>"Listen, Bradie, who's been watching me with his brother every day... I have no other choice, because I have no friends. I sit here alone, every-fucking-day, and lay on the table, and do nothing, is that what you wanted to hear?"<em><br>_  
>"He's my <em>step-brother, <em>and I'm sorry..." he apologised, now I felt horrible...  
>My chest began to ache, I stuttered and shook, hopped to my feet and grabbed my bag.<p>

"L-look, I ... I have to go..."

He said something else as I walked away, in an attempt to continue the conversation. But I ignored him, the guilt began to hurt. I just told a complete stranger, exactly what was on my mind. Yet, it somehow felt great. I had achieved something, I had spoken my mind in public.

*** * ***

As I entered the hallway of the school, and eyed off the stairs, I slipped my earphones in, to tune out the world. People stared as I walked past, but I kept my head down.  
>I continued to avoid eye-contact with everyone as I walked to my first class.<p>

**Math.**


	4. Chapter 4

I sat in Math class, bored almost to death. I felt people glaring at me, I tried to ignore it. The teacher rambled on about Algebra, and fractions.

My left hand pressed to my cheek, my arm supporting my head, I sat in the far-right corner of the class in the back row. There were four seats in each row, and six rows in the classroom, but nobody dared to sit in the same row as me.

The class was small, _very small_. Only about ten people, they mostly sat in the front rows of the class. I had heard mention that one of the classes of the year above us was going to join this class, as a trial, just for this week. The whole school was changing, classes were merging and classrooms being painted and renovated. _Although I have no idea why._

The whole school was a dump.

My thoughts had trailed off again, and as I looked to the front of the class, I saw more students joining the classroom, some of them were the constant hecklers and gossips, that had devoted time out of every day, to make my 'reputation' worse.  
><em>I'd never done anything to them, why are they doing this?<em>

"Hey, can I sit here?" a voice interrupted my inner dialogue.

I looked up, it was a short-ish boy, from the year above, with curly blonde hair and a lip piercing, his bag slung over one shoulder, his shirt undone, and his baggy grey shorts hanging down just over the knee.  
>He had motioned his hand toward the empty seat next to me.<p>

_**There are two seats at the end of the row, why would you want to sit here...?**_****

"Well, can I sit here?" he asked again, nervously.

"Um, yeah. Sorry, I'm kind of out of it today..."

He took a seat and threw his bag on the table, he hung his arms over the bag and folded them, then rested his head on them. Maybe he's not feeling well.

His bag was half-open and pens and books were sticking out everywhere.  
>I noticed the scribble on one of his books said <em><strong>"Andy Clemmensen."<strong>_  
>I guess that's his name.<p>

A few minutes later, he sat up, a tear rolled down his cheek and he sniffed and wiped it off with his sleeve. "Are you okay?" I muttered.  
>He nodded and turned his chair to face me. He feigned a smile and said "hi, I'm Andy." and stuck his hand out.<br>"Shaun." I replied, and nervously shook his hand. He blushed.

"I'm just here for some class trial thing, and I noticed you were sitting alone, so I thought I'd say hi." he said, quietly.

He _noticed _me? Nobody ever _notices _me.  
>Not even the teacher does, he just ignores me, never asks me anything, never assigns me any homework. It's actually pretty great.<p>

"Oh, thanks. I guess." I said as I stared at the floor, Andy's shoes caught my eye. They looked brand new, compared to mine.  
>Mine were falling apart and full of holes, the laces were stained and they were half-hidden in the ends of my jeans.<p>

He noticed me staring at the floor, and nervously cleared his throat.  
>The school bell chimed, just in time.<p>

_**I was almost forced to make conversation...**_


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of the day was filled with much needed sleep, which was alright because I had no classes during the middle of the day.

By lunch time, I was restless and bored, I sat up against the tree and rested my head against it, the sun warming me. Footsteps approached, and my bag was suddenly emptied onto the grass. _**Oh, fuck.**___

Tyler grabbed my shirt collar and shoved me against the tree. Jack finished emptying my bag, and threw it over the school fence by the tree. I glanced over to the bag but Tyler's fist interrupted my thoughts.

"How's it going today, Captain faggot?" he spat at me.

"T-tyler, please. J-just leave me alone..." I whispered.

"Begging, Diviney? You're _pathetic_." he laughed.

He grabbed my hair and threw me to the ground, then he and Jack began to kick me in the ribs and legs. I tried my hardest not to scream, if I screamed, and they got into trouble, it'd be worse after school.

Before I could get up, a familliar voice chimed at them.

**"What the fuck are you two doing?"  
><strong>  
><em>Andy? From Math class?<em>

I heard distant shouting as he argued with them, I tried to stand up and suddenly a hand set outstreched in my direction, I looked up.  
>It was kid from this morning before school, Bradie.<br>I put my hand out and and he helped me to my feet, I stood up, but ended up crouching over again. My ribs ached.

Andy had managed to scare off Tyler and Jack for now, and Bradie had gathered the contents of my bag and put them on the table, including the packet of cigarettes and my phone.  
>I walked over to the fence, and slid behind the tree, walked out onto the open street to collect my bag, and re-entered the school.<br>Andy and Bradie stood shocked. They had not realised that there was a hole in the fence behind the tree. As was my intention.

I slid back through the hole in the fence, and scooped all the things on the table, into my bag, zipped it up and slung it over my shoulder.

"Thanks, guys. Nobody's ever tried to help before..."

"No problem." Bradie replied. "Anytime." said Andy.

I faked another smile and began to walk off.

"Where are you going?" Bradie called after me as I walked upto the hole in the fence agian.

"Home." I muttered, "If I stick around today, they'll come after me again after school."

Andy ran upto me, and placed his hand on my shoulder. "Want to come back to our house? Our parents aren't home, and I'm assuming yours probably would be?

_**Our house? Our parents? I'm guessing Bradie's brother, or step-brother, or whatever, is Andy. How ironic.**___

"Uh..." I hesitated. Nobody had ever invited me over before. "I guess so." was my final response, and with that, Andy slid through the newly-discovered hole in the fence, followed by a nervous Bradie.

As we walked, Andy made conversation.

"So, I'm Andy, and I think you've already met Bradie this morning, or something."

"Yeah. Aren't you brothers or something?"

"Yeah, his dad married my mum, so we're step-brothers. You'll notice by now he's awkward and quiet."

"Yeah."

Bradie interrupted "Yeah, well especially when I introduce myself to someone and they yell at me..." he said jokingly.

"Uh, sorry about that. I'm not with it today." I answered, blushing.

"Who's really ever 'with it' around here anyway?" Andy replied as he stared off into the distance.

**The following silence proved his theory.**  
><em><br>_


	6. Chapter 6

We arrived at the Clemmensen household.

During the walk to their house, I had learned a lot about Andy Clemmensen and Bradie Webb. Firstly, was that they weren't 'cool' nor were they 'un cool.'  
>They were pretty much the above-average of the school. They had a few friends, but no close friends.<p>

Secondly, was that Bradie's mother had left at a young age, and he and Andy, or 'Andrew' as he so often called him, had grown up together.

_**I wonder why I never noticed them in the school before.  
><strong>__  
><em>I think maybe, this whole time that I've attended this school, I have been painfully oblivious to the students, it's always the hecklers or the bullies that have gained my attention. I felt horrible.

The house was a fairly large, two-story building, further in-town than mine, and more toward the housing area, rather than the lake-type area where my house was. I'd never been this far out of town, it was like being in the city.

I awkwardly stood in the doorway/hallway area as Andy and Bradie kicked off their shoes and dumped their bags on the floor. Bradie motioned toward my bag, but I kept a firm grip.

"Are you okay, Shaun?" Andy looked worried.

"Um, I don't know, I've never been to anyone else's house before. I'm not sure I'd even know the way home, and I'm just kind of shaken still from earlier." _I think I got everything off my chest._

"Listen, when my mum comes home, which shouldn't be too long now, I'll get her to drive you home, I'll go with you for the drive, I'll say hi to your mum and dad if that's okay, that way they'll trust me, kinda." Andy replied.

I stepped back. My chest tightened.

"Wh-why are you guys so interested in me all of a sudden?" _I can't breathe._

Andy became very nervous. "I don't know, you looked like you wanted company. So I thought I'd say hi in Math class, and Bradie had already spoken to you this morning. Then I saw you were in trouble and-"

I cut him off.

"and what? You came to my rescue? I don't understand..." I felt sick.

Just then, Andy's mum came home.

"Hi boys, who's this?" She said cheerfully.

"I'm Shaun, and... and I was just leaving, sorry."

"That's fine dear, where do you live? I'll give you a lift?"

Andy interrupted.

"I'll go with you guys."


	7. Chapter 7

Andy's mum dropped me home, there was a note on the front door saying that mum had gone out, dad wouldn't be home 'til 10:30 tonight, and my two brothers were at my nan's house.

Andy had convinced his mother to let him stay with me for a while, by saying that I wasn't feeling well and he didn't want to leave me alone in the house if I wasn't well.  
><strong><br>**_**Why are they being so nice to me?  
><strong>__  
><em>I found it all a little too coincidental, but what could I do about it? _Nothing._

We went inside, Andy kicked his shoes off by the front door, then was kind of confused when I straightened them and put them to the side of the stairs. I went upstairs and he slowly followed, looking at all the family portraits that decorated the wall by the stairs. When we reached my room he sat down in the chair by the desk, I hung my bag and started to tidy the room.

"You don't have to do that y'know." he broke the five minute silence.

"Do what?"

"Clean, on my account. I don't mind or anything..." he trailed off and began to look at old photos that sat on my desk, old photos from primary school.  
>I was in some of the photos, half-smiling with my 'friends' in the playground during lunch time.<p>

I didn't answer him after that. I continued cleaning and hastily picked up the box from the other night. _I hope he didn't see that._

After the room was tidy, I sat on my bed and took off my shoes, then placed them straightly under the bed. Andy examined me.

"Do you have like, O.C.D or something, dude?"

"Probably. I don't know." I muttered.

* * *

An hour or so had passed, Andy and I had sat in my room and watched movies. Suddenly I heard the front door unlock and my mother call out.

**"Shaun. Shaun, are you home?"**

I walked out into the hallway and leaned over the stair-case railing.

"Hey. My friend Andy is here."

_Friend? Did I just say friend? I hardly know the guy._

Even my mother looked shocked that I had a 'friend' over. I hadn't spoken to anyone since I was in grade four. It's been a quiet six years.

"That's good, hun." She smiled.

Her tone was suddenly a lot happier, her expression even brightened when Andy appeared next to me and joined me in leaning over the rail.

"Hey, Mrs. Diviney. I hope it's okay that I'm over."

"Call me Leeanne, dear, and it's fine. Anytime you want." She smiled again.

Andy turned to me and gave me the 'I told you so' smile. I laughed and nudged his arm playfully. I walked back into my room and Andy stood in my doorway.

"My mum's gonna be here in about five minutes to pick me up, man. I'll see you tomorrow though, right?" He half-grinned.

"Yeah." I fake-smiled back.

"Thanks for having me over, Shaun. I hope you're feeling okay after today."

He said as he walked down the stairs and said goodbye to my mother, he collected his shoes and stood outside for a minute or two. I heard a car pull into the drive way. I looked out the window and saw them drive off.

_A friend. I had made a friend.  
><em>  
>My mother stood in the doorway.<p>

"Hey, gorgeous. What's up? You didn't come down to say bye to your friend."

Her concerned tone made me nervous.

"I'm not feeling well today." _That's not a lie, at least._

"Okay, I'll call you when dinner's ready." _I'm not hungry, I'm never hungry._

_**Why didn't you tell her you got attacked?  
>Why didn't you tell her that you're dying inside?<br>Why didn't you tell her that you're scared, every day?**_

I pulled my blanket over me and turned to face the wall, tears began to flood my eyes and fall down my cheeks. At first, I wiped them away, but I decided not to bother. My face began to feel hot, and I pulled the blankets over my head as I cried myself to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

The sunlight lit my face, it felt warm, but uncomfurtable.  
>I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, when my mother came in.<p>

**"Shaun! Shaun. Wake up, dear."**

I groaned a "no" and rolled over again.

"Shaun, wake up, you have to go to school, you-"

"I can't miss a day, or they'll kick me out, okay."

I rudely finished her sentance for her, she looked annoyed.  
>I got up anyway, and remembered that I was still in my school uniform.<br>_That makes things easier, I guess.  
><em>  
>I shoved a spare shirt in my bag before I picked it up, and walked to school.<p>

_**I'm not going to school today.**_

When I had gotten half-way to school, I ducked behind a bus stop and changed shirts, then shoved my school shirt back into my bag. As I walked around the bus stop I heard a familliar voice.

"Not going to school today, I take it?" _Bradie?_

"What? Are you fucking stalking me?" I snapped back.

Andy interrupted.

"Guys, calm down. Shaun... why aren't you planning on going to school?"

"Tyler and Jack will be pissed off from yesterday. I'd rather not be beaten to a bloody pulp."

"Understandable. Where do you plan on going?" Andy questioned again.

"Just into the shops or something, I don't know..."

Andy turned to Bradie and tilted his head. Bradie gave a concerned look and shook his head in response. Andy just smiled and laughed under his breath.

"Bradie's going to school, I'm going with you." he insisted.

"You don't have to. It's okay."

"It's not okay, Shaun. You're not going around God-knows-where on your own. I'll go with you." _He was getting annoying._

In the end, I gave in. I guess it'd be okay for him to tag along while I find a nice, quiet park to sit in all day and do nothing...

We walked to the train station, when we arrived, we sat across from a girl, about our age, she smiled at me when we walked past, I awkwardly smiled back. She was kind of cute, long brown hair that hung past her shoulders, with a fringe that covered almost half of the right side of her face.

Andy caught me staring. "don't freak her out by gawking, man."

"She smiled at me, so I kind of smiled back."

"Go say hi." he nudged my elbow and pulled a packet of chips out of his bag.

"I couldn't. What would I say?"

"Just, go say hi." he laughed, and chewed on his chips.

I awkwardly stood up and walked over to her. "Hey. I'm Shaun."

"I'm Sarah." she blushed.

"You're here all by yourself?" _That sounded so creepy.  
><em>  
>"Um, yeah. I kind of skipped school today, but hadn't really planned on doing anything." she giggled.<p>

I laughed back. "My friend over there and I have done the same."

"Really? Well, do you mind if I come with you guys? I don't want to walk around alone."

I turned to Andy, who could obviously hear what she was saying, because he nodded straight away.

"Yeah, okay." I answered. She collected her bag and walked back over to Andy with me. _  
><em>_**  
>Have I just made another friend?<strong>_


	9. Chapter 9

I spent the entire day with Andy and Sarah, we had a lot of fun, although Andy seemed quiet.  
>I wasn't sure if he was always like this or not, I barely know the guy. Yet somehow, he already feels like a really good friend.<br>Maybe I'm just clingy.

We had gone to the local Westfield shopping centre and walked around all day. We sat in the food court, my phone vibrated.

**"Hey Shaun, I won't be home tonight, I'm staying at Julie's. Order pizza, there's money on the bench. xx Mum."**

I sighed. "Okay, whatever." I said to myself. Andy and Sarah looked worried.

"What's wrong, man?" Andy questioned.

"Nothing, It's fine. My mother's just going to be out again tonight."

"Where's your dad?" _I wish he hadn't asked that._

"He doesn't live with us, all the time." I muttered.

"Oh. Sorry..."

Sarah stood up, placed the left overs and rubbish from lunch in the bin and returned to her seat. "What time are you boys going home?"

"Probably pretty soon." Andy answered.

Sarah looked at me and smiled. "I don't have to go home any time soon."

Andy winked at me. I smiled back.

Sarah and I went back to mine, Andy went home.

I pulled Sarah through the door and we ran upstairs and sat on my bed, she kissed me and ran her fingers through my hair.

_This is so weird. Only yesterday, I'd had a friend over, now I'm having a girl over? _

She breathed so deeply and loud. It was weird.

She pushed me onto the bed and slid my shirt up over my head and threw it to the floor. She then removed her own shirt.  
>She unzipped my jeans and pulled them down, then slid her shorts off and straddled my waist. <em>This felt wrong.<em>

She kissed my neck and continued down my collarbones. I squirmed.

She leant back and sat up. "Are you okay?" _No, no. Get off me.  
><em>  
>"Uh..."<p>

"Do you want me to go, Shaun?" __

"Um..."

She covered her chest with her forearm and grabbed her shirt.  
><em>It's funny how she didn't mind me seeing that much of her before.<em>

"Are you like, gay? Because no guy has ever froze up on me before..."  
><em>No guy has ever froze up on her before?<em>

"I just..." _I couldn't even finish that sentance._

She stared blankly at me. "Goodbye, Shaun." she said as she collected her shorts, shoes and left. _What just happened?_

After she had left, I sat on my bed and stared at the floor.  
>All these images of what had just happened going through my head, over and over. <em>Oh, God.<em>

It made me feel sick, kind of. _**"Are you like, gay?"  
><strong>_I shook and layed down on the bed, and started staring at the ceiling.  
>Soon enough, tears filled my eyes. I sat up again and pulled at my hair.<p>

I stood up, and sat in the far corner of my room. _I don't want to be alone..._

I found the razor. I held it between my thumb and my index finger and pressed it into the centre of my wrist. I continued to cry as I dragged it across to the side of my wrist bone. Red spots began to appear on the carpet.

_Something so small and harmless, yet when they hit the floor, they sounded like a jack-hammer._

_thud._

_thud._

_thud..._

My head ached. Tears joined the scarlet drops on the carpet.

I stood up, and suddenly became unsteady.

My head was spinning like crazy.

I attempted to run down the stairs, slipping three or four times.

I went through all the shelves in the kitchen, only to find the pepper on the bench, weighing down the money that I was supposed to use on pizza.

I grabbed the pepper shaker and unscrewed the lid, then began to pour pepper onto the cut, it helped to stop the bleeding.

I was still dizzy. I found the first aid kit and unzipped the bag.

_**knock knock knock.**_

_Fuck, what? Who could that be at this time?_

I stumbled over to the door, expecting to see my father. Instead, I saw Andy.

"Andy? Wh-what are you doing h-here?" I groaned.

"Fuck, Shaun are you okay? What happened?" he started to panic.

"I'm okay, I j-just..." I started to cry.

He hugged me and closed the door behind him, he grabbed the first aid kit and helped me up to my room.  
>He held the bandage to my wrist and I hissed in pain, he pressed down with his thumb and tore the medical tape with his teeth, then taped the bandage together and continued to wrap it around my wrist. <em>This kid, is a natural.<em>

"She... She started kissing me, and..."

"I don't need to hear the details, bro." he hesitated.

"N-no, I didn't... I couldn't. It wasn't right."

"Oh..." he avoided eye-contact with me.

I layed back on my bed, Andy joined me and wiped the tears from my face.

_I felt so comfurtable with him._

I turned onto my side and buried my head in the pillow, eventually, Andy sat up and looked at me curiously.

"Shaun..."

"Yeah?" I muttered, half asleep.

"When you said it wasn't right, what did you mean?" I sat up and leaned against the window.

"I don't know, Andy."

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, tangling his fingers in my hair, and sitting up on his knees.  
>I kissed back, it was amazing. Then I pulled away. "Andy, I..."<p>

"Sorry..." he muttered as he bit his lip.

"It's okay... I think... I liked it."

"_Really_?" his tone changed.

"I don't know, can I just think about this? I didn't even know that you-"

"That I was gay?" he finished.

"Yeah... Or if I am. I haven't decided yet."

_Decided? Is that something I'm supposed to decide? Have I upset Andy now?_

"It's okay, Shaun. I understand." he said as he sat up, and turned to stand. I stopped him by placing my hand on his arm. "Don't go, _please_."

I layed back down and covered myself with blankets, Andy joined me again and I put my head near his side. I closed my eyes, and slowly drifted off.

_**I guess I could deal with being gay.**_


	10. Chapter 10

"Shaun, Shaun wake up."

_Andy?_

"Shaun!"

"I'm awake." I groaned, unenthusiastically.

"School today. Your mother still isn't home, so I'm mothering you."  
>he grinned, how cute.<p>

"Fuck off." I rolled over and covered my head with the spare pillow.

He removed the pillow and rolled me onto my back, sitting over me, he leant forward and softly kissed my bottom lip. _tease._

"We're doing this now, are we?"

"If you want..." he looked worried. I've upset him again.

He leaned in again, and closed his eyes, he pressed harder onto my lips, as I parted them, giving entrance to his tongue.  
>He pressed his waist against mine and grinned as I breathed heavier.<p>

"Wait." I paused.

"You okay?" he sat up, and looked more worried than before.

"I can't do this just yet. Not now. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Shaun." he smiled.

* * *

The walk to school was quiet, and uncomfurtable. When we arrived at the gates, I walked to my usual spot.

"Shaun, I have to go get yesterday's work, I'll meet you back at the tree."

"Okay." I smiled, watching him run off to the staff room.

I arrived at the tree. I loved this tree. It was like, a sometimes-safe spot, away from home.

I studied Jack, as he walked past the building in front of me, he was taller than me, with short black hair and probably twice my weight, in just muscle. Tyler wasn't anywhere to be seen, which is good.  
>They never attacked me one-on-one, the days that one of them was absent, they would pretend I didn't exist. <em>Cowards.<em>

Andy returned from the staff room.

"What's up?"

"Nothing, just thinking..."

"You always seem to do that."

"What? _Think?_ I'm pretty sure we all do that, Andy." I snickered.

"No, dumbass. I mean like, when you trail off in your thoughts."

"I'm listening to the voice in my head most of the time."  
><em>Did I just say that?<em>

"Okay." he seemed to accept the fact that I have voices in my head.

_**I don't know what it is about Andy, he accepts me for who I am, and goes out of his way to do stuff for me.**_

_**Nobody's ever cared like he has.**_

_**Maybe there is something worth living for...**_


	11. Chapter 11

I stared blankly at the white canvas. Music blaring in my ears.

_What's wrong with me today?_

Something wasn't right. It was only the middle of the day, but it felt like I've been standing here for hours, in reality it had only been ten minutes.

_In reality._

Three pencils, a paintbrush, and a ballpoint pen lay on the table beside me, an eraser and a pallete of paint to the left of me. My iPod died.

_Great._

The teacher walked behind me, examining my non-existent work.

"What's wrong, Shaun? You're not yourself today."

"Stress."

"Everyone has stress, Shaun." she continued. "It's never stopped you from participating before."

Tyler stood in the doorway of the classroom. I froze.

"Ah, Mr. Jacobs. So nice of you to decide to join Art class."

_Oh, God. No._

He threw his bag on the desk next to mine, knocking my perfectly straight pens and pencils onto the floor. I glanced at them.

"What's the matter, Diviney? Not going to get those?" Tyler muttered.

"No." I choked.

"Why not? I'm sure you're used to bending over, faggot." _Ouch._

I started to shake a little, he got closer to me to examine my canvas.  
>Blank, still.<p>

"Nice art, homo." he laughed.

"Can't you sit somewhere else, Tyler?" I said, slightly under my breath.

His tone changed, and became unfriendly. "What did you just say, fag?"

I didn't respond.

"Did you hear what I just said, faggot?" he shoved everything of mine off the desk in front of me. The teacher glared at him.

"Pick that up, Tyler." she said.

"N-no, it's okay. I got it." I interrupted as I began to put everything back onto the table. Tyler laughed under his breath at me, and stepped on my hand.

After I gathered everything and put it back on the table, I stood up and put my phone, pen and iPod back into my bag. I threw the bag over my shoulder and just as I went to leave the classroom, Tyler muttered.

"Don't go too far, Diviney. I'll find you."

* * *

_**"Don't go too far, Diviney. I'll find you."**_

I sat at the tree, the usual spot.

Then approached Tyler. I had already hidden my phone and iPod in case he decided to take them. Jack followed him and grabbed my shoulders.

"How's it going, Captain homo?"

"I thought it was 'Captain faggot' last time, Tyler..."  
><em>Oh, fuck. Why did I say that?<em>

"You've been quite the smart-mouth today, Diviney. What the fuck got into you, huh?"

Jack shoved me against the tree as Tyler spat his words in my face. He then punched me, twice in the stomach.  
>I keeled over and fell to my knees as he shoved my head back onto the tree.<br>I could taste blood, and I started to cry as I fell onto my side. Tyler began to kick me, while Jack emptied my bag.  
>Tyler kicked me in the face, once. Then began booting my ribs again.<br>I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream.

My Art teacher happened to walk by at this point, in attempt to find me to see if I was okay from earlier. Only to find Tyler and Jack beating me.

**"Boys, stop! Now!" **she yelled. Immediatley, Tyler froze. Jack ran for it.

I tried to lift myself off the ground, but as soon as I attempted to sit up, blood dripped from my nose and mouth, my head became heavy.  
>A few more teachers appeared. But everything became blurry.<p>

Then black.

_**Am I afraid of the dark?**_


	12. Chapter 12

I woke up in an unfamilliar room, the ceiling was old and stained, and painted an off-white. The walls that hung below, a very pale blue.

My head ached, my arms throbbed. The side of my face burned.

I sat up, I was in the 'sick bay' of the school. I have no idea how long I had been there, or how I got there. A female teacher stood in the hallway just outside the door, and as she saw me stir, she approached.

"How are you feeling, Shaun?"

"Uh..."

She took a seat, beside the bed.

"You copped a pretty bad hit to the head, and we were afraid you may have broken your nose. Nothing's broken though, but I still think you should go to a hospital." she said in a soft voice, trying to calm me.

"I'm okay, it's fine."

"Shaun, what's happened to your wrist?" _Oh, fuck._

"What?"

"You have several cuts on the inside of your wrist, Shaun. They look self-inflicted." she seemed concerned.

"Nothing, don't worry."

"Shaun, we've contacted the school psychiatrist. She's going to take you out of class tomorrow, just to talk to you about Jake and Tyler and everything."

"Great." I said, sarcastically. She took the hint from my tone.

"Shaun, we're very concerned. Is there anything going on at home that we should know about?" she shifted closer to me in her chair.

"Listen, lady." I croaked. "I said I'm fine, okay?"

I attempted to stand up, and slipped over. I held onto the rail of the bed and found my shoes and bag by the door.  
>The cigarrettes were no longer in my bag, and I still had to go back to my spot to grab my iPod and phone.<p>

"Shaun, please. Sit down." she called after me as I stumbled down the hallway, down a small set of stairs that led to the back oval, and canteen.

When I arrived at the spot I found Bradie.

"Shaun, are you alright? What happened to you?" he gestured to my face.

"I don't know?" I was confused, I picked up my phone and iPod and looked at myself in the iPod screen.

A black eye, and a split lip. _Great._

"Where's Andy?" I glared at Bradie.

"He's home, sick. Do you want to come over and see him?"

"No. It's okay. I'm going home to sleep this off." I muttered. "See you later, Bradie."

"Bye, Shaun. Stay safe..."

I turned around to see him staring at his feet, he then took a seat on the old table, keeping his head down and putting earphones in his ears.

I know it sounds awful, but the less I associate with him, the better.  
>If I become good friends with him, Tyler and Jake will prey on him too.<br>It's bad enough that they now had a grudge against Andy.

_I don't know how I'd handle it if they hurt him, because of me._

* * *

I walked in the door, and was home for about five seconds, when mum saw my face.

"Shaun! What's happened? Who did this?" she was almost in tears as she grabbed my jaw and angled my face towards her. I squinted.

"Just, some kids at school. It's okay, the teachers caught them."

"Why did they do this to you, Shaun? What happened?"  
>a tear rolled down her face.<p>

"You know what?" I decided to let it all out. "I have _no idea _ why they did this. I never did anything to them, and all I did today was sit in Art class and _not _paint anything. The fucking jerk decided to knock all my stuff off the desk, and all I did was pick it up." my chest felt tight, "and since when did you _care?_ Just because you're not out getting drunk tonight, you finally decided to act like a mother? Your're so full of shit, mum."

I ran upstairs and left her crying in the lounge room.

Straight away, the guilt began to chew at my nerves.

"_Fuck!" _I screamed as I threw all the dumb photo frames off my desk.

"I _hate _you people!" I screamed again.

I kicked my iPod across the room and it left a hole in the door. I looked up to see mum standing in the doorway. I fell to my knees and started to cry more.

_Am I having a breakdown?_

"Shaun, I'm so very sorry that I wasn't there for you, all this time. Especially when, you needed me the most. I'm so sorry." she whispered.

"Mum... I... I didn't mean it, I'm s-"

She cut me off.

"I know we all say things when we're mad, and you may not have meant it, but you're right, Shaun. I just wanted to give you some space, though. I thought if I was out of the house, you would be more inclined to have friends over."

"What _friends, _mum?" tears rolled down my face, landing on my lips.

"I'm sorry, Shaun. I'm going to try and be here for you, at the same time, giving you space. You should ask that boy, Andy, over more often. He seemed nice."

"Yeah..."

"Or, maybe even meet more people, invite a girl over some time."

"Mum..." my voice cracked.

"Yeah, Shaun?"

**"I'm gay."**


	13. Chapter 13

After telling my mother that I was gay, and in the most dramatic way possible, I crawled into bed and hoped for the best.

"_**I'll always accept you for who you are, Shaun. I gave you life, I've accepted you since that very moment."**_

A stressful night of tossing and turning ensued.

I had woken many times during the night and cried until I was asleep again.

_Imagine how much this would hurt if she hadn't accepted it.  
><em>  
><strong>* * *<strong>

It was 9a.m. I sat in a small, slightly rectangular room.

The walls painted an off-purple.

In front of me, a coffee table that had been made into a sort-of desk, it was home to a fishbowl, and a lonely goldfish, swimming around in circles.

Behind it, a recliner-type chair.  
>I sat on an old foam and rip-off leather arm chair and studied the walls. Paintings of people, smiling, surrounded by friends.<p>

Two guitars, hung on hooks.

Framed drawings and decorative plates gathering dust on the shelves by a shuttered window.

The whole room smelled like stain-remover and cigarette smoke.

A tall, blonde woman, probably in her early thirties entered the room, her hair tied back in a ponytail, she donned a loose, oversized shirt and shorts.

I had never been to a psychiatrist before.

"Hi, Shaun." she announced cheerfully as she entered the room.

"Hi..."

"Don't be nervous or anything, Shaun, we're just here to talk." she smiled.

I glanced up at her, then trailed back down to staring at my feet.

"Shaun, I'm not going to interrogate you." she continued "I'm just here to see if I can figure out what's upsetting you." she grinned again.

_Your fake smile won't get anything out of me. Don't bother trying._

"Shaun, why don't you relax and tell me what's on your mind?" she grinned, yet again.

_**There's lipstick on your teeth.**_

_**I don't want to be here.**_

_**I hate you, and your dumb goldfish.**_**  
><strong>_**  
>You smell funny.<strong>_

_**Why do you have the light on, and the window open?**_

_**My shoe is untied.**_

_**You look like a Barbie doll.**___

I had all that to say, yet remained silent.

"Why don't you start with the scratches on your wrist? How did you get those?" she leaned forward.

Hoping for a response. I thought I'd at least humour her.

"Werewolves."

_Fuck, I'm so funny._

She didn't look impressed by my remark.

"Shaun, I find that very hard to believe."

_Haha, seriously? It was a joke you dumb bitch. Where'd you get your degree? A cereal box?_

"I was kidding..." a smile formed on my face.

She leaned back into her chair again, and sighed.

"I guess we're going to be here for a while then, aren't we?" she glared at me.

"I guess so, _Therapist Barbie_."


	14. Chapter 14

One excruciating hour later, I stood in the hallway outside the therapist's stupid excuse for an office.  
>I picked my bag up from the floor and cautiously walked down to the furthest hall in the school, closest to the exit.<p>

As I scouted out for Tyler or Jake, I walked past the teacher's common room.

I stopped by the door.

"He's a smartass, he doesn't want to change." said the previously cheerful therapist, to another teacher.

"Give him time." the other teacher replied. "He'll come around."

"He sat there back-chatting and smart-mouthing me the entire time, _he's lucky I didn't hit him_." my chest began to feel tight.

I turned around and stood in the door of the staffroom.

So much anger built up inside me, I _had_ to say something this time.

"More like _you're _lucky you didn't hit me, because that would've got you fired. But thanks for the chat, Barbie. I guess smart-asses like me deserve a good belting, don't they?"

My voice shook as the two teachers in the staffroom stood there, staring at me in shock. It took me only a few seconds to notice that the slightly sympathetic teacher, was my art teacher. I cracked a smile and walked off.

"Shaun, Shaun!" the therapist called after me. I ignored her.

I shoved the heavy glass door out of my way as the psychologist ran after me, because of my brilliant timing, the door hit her in the shoulder as she ran past. "Shaun, stop." she called again.

I walked down the steps at the front of the school, she continued to call after me, but of course stopped as I walked straight for the front gate.

"Shaun..." she called one last time. I stopped, but didn't bother turning around to look her in the eye. "What?" I muttered.

"I'm sorry. That was an awful thing to say, and I had no right labelling you. But you've got to cut me some slack, Shaun. All you did was try to smart-mouth your way out of my office, and it worked. I just wanted to help you..."

I finally turned around to face her.

"You didn't _want _ to help me, you're _payed _to help me."

"Shaun, that's not the only reason I want to help. I do care."

"No! You're being _payed_ to care, and for at _least _ four-hundred dollars an hour, I'd be pretty fucking sympathetic too."

I started to shake, as a collection of students gathered at the window of a nearby classroom. _Great._

I turned and walked out of the school gates, as the teacher stood there in silence. The students in the window, trying to figure out what had just happened.  
><em><strong><br>I need to go somewhere, and forget everything.**__  
><em> 


	15. Chapter 15

_**I needed to get away.**_

_**I needed to relax.**_

_**Calm down.**_

_**Breathe slow.**_

_**I need to forget.  
><strong>_**  
><strong>* * *

****By the time I arrived home, to find nobody here, it was only just 1p.m.

I sat on the bathroom floor, aiming to cool down. Both physically and mentally.  
>My mind felt as if my thoughts were being ripped apart and thrown about by a hurricane.<p>

As the chill of the tiles began to tease at my skin, I became relaxed.

Removing my shoes, I curled into a ball on the floor.

_this seemed familliar._

It calmed me enough to let me sleep.

* * *

My face aches, my arms ache, my body aches, it's hard to breathe. _pain consumes me._

I hit the dirt.

Scarlet droplets flood from my face, and follow me to the ground, then tears.

So far, it's a regular day in this place, but tonight is different.

He grabs my wrist and bends it back, dragging me across the coarse dirt.

I'm suddenly on my back and he drags me across the grass towards the back fence of the school.

I clenched a fist around his grip, in an attempt to loosen it, but I failed.

He reaches back for his bag and drops me onto my side.

It's apparent, this time he's had enough.

He kneels down, and as I scream, he begins to pull the knife down into the center of my ribcage.

I gasp for air and grind my teeth in pain, I scream first, then the noise stops.

_**It all goes black.  
><strong>__  
><em>* * *

My eyes snapped open, not brought on by heat, but sheer terror.

_**Just a dream?**_

_**I swear, this house brings out the worst in my imagination.**_

I decided to go for a walk, go anywhere but here.

I walked out into the cold, it was just beginning to get dark.

It was probably the first time I had ever seen this street so empty, and as I pulled the door shut, it seemed to echo down the entire block.

I began to walk towards the park, a few streets away.

My thoughts, interrupted by the occasional dog barking, and muffled words of people sitting in their backyards.

I arrived at the park to see a large, white steel sign. "Park closed. Off limits to public." _fuck._

I crossed the road and passed into a nearby laneway, about to return home.

I was only a few metres into the laneway when I noticed someone walking behind me.  
>In an attempt not to look paranoid, I looked at my phone and began to cross through a drive-way, the figure copying my actions.<p>

I then began to cross back into the laneway, again he followed. I couldn't lose this guy.  
><em><strong><br>True Wes Craven material.**_

I sighed and looked at my phone again.

At first, I stared aimlessly, still worried about the person following me, but eventually my eyes focused on the time. 5:45 became clear on the screen.

Then, I noticed the other person in the reflection of the phone.

The person that had been following me.

_Tyler?_

"You got me suspended, you faggot." he beamed as he pushed me to the concrete.

"But... I-I didn't say anything!" I choked, getting up.

He stood on my hand. "Bullshit." he spat at me and kicked me in the chest, knocking me back onto the ground.

My head hit the pavement, and everything went black.


	16. Chapter 16

"Shaun!"

My eyes began to sting, my head felt heavy.

"Wh-What?"

"_Shaun!"_

"Bradie?"

My vision returned, only to see a worried Bradie staring at me, his hands damp with blood.

"Shaun, what happened? Do you remember?"

I looked around, I was still in the alleyway. I tried to get up but my head felt so heavy, I began to lose balance. Bradie extended his arm, steadying me.

I glanced at the blood on his shirt and hands.

"Bradie, what happened?" I muttered as I tried to focus on staying upright.

"It's your blood, Shaun... I heard yelling and I looked down here, I saw Tyler run off. You were unconscious for almost ten minutes."

"It felt like forever... You didn't call an ambulance or anything?" here I was, thinking logically.

"I would have... but..." he looked at his feet.

"But what?"

He pointed to the ground, my phone was smashed to pieces. _You've got to be kidding me._

"I didn't have my phone on me." he continued. "I didn't know what to do, Shaun. I'm sorry." he kept his eyes on the ground the whole time.

"It's fine, thank you anyway."

"Do you think you should go to a hospital?"

"Well, I'm not dead, or comatose, and I don't think I have a concussion, so no. I don't think I should, now that you mention it."

I began to stumble away from him, I wanted to go home. I _needed _to go home.

"Shaun, can I walk with you? I don't think it's safe if you walk home by yourself..."

I attempted to nod, he understood and started walking with me, after picking up the pieces of my phone. Or what was left of it, rather.

It began to rain as I arrived at my house, Bradie asked if I would be okay, and after insisting that I would, several times. He assumed it would be safe to leave.

* * *

I sat on my bed, listening to the rain as it hit the roof.

My head pounding, the front of my face throbbing.

Whatever damage Tyler had done today, was going to be here for a while, I could already tell. In reality I didn't really know if I would be "okay" nor did I care.

We all die one day. Some sooner than others. What exactly is the point in postponing the inevitable?

I was getting upset, until I began to steer my thoughts back to the rain.

I had a strange fascination with the rain. Something about millions of little falling droplets.

Cleansing.

Calming.

_**Could I be washed away so easily? **_


	17. Chapter 17

My eyes peeled open, gently as I woke.

My throat stung and my voice cracked when I yawned.

**_This could possibly be an excuse not to go to school..._**

I walked slowly downstairs, losing my balance and slipping once or twice.  
>Mum stood in the kitchen. She saw me and gasped, almost dropping the dish in her hand.<p>

"Shaun! What's happened to you?"

"Wh-what do you mean?" I stuttered, trying to comprehend the look of shock on her face.

"You're as white as a ghost, Shaun!" she rushed towards me and placed her freezing cold hand on my forehead.  
>"You're burning up!" she continued.<p>

My head was pounding. _Fuck, he'd done some damage._  
>I didn't mention it, though. I assumed getting Tyler into further trouble would only make things worse for me in the long haul.<p>

"Sorry, Shaun. I'm ringing your school, you're not going in today."

**_Success!_** I held back a grin.

Instead, I raised my eyebrows, wearily, and pretended I was slightly upset about not having to go to that hell-hole.

"Go back to your room and rest. I'll bring you some food a bit later, I have to go to the grocery store first."

I walked slowly to the stairs and unenthusiastically began to walk up them.  
>Once I was out of my mother's view and earshot, I eagerly ran to my room and closed the door.<br>I leapt onto my bed and rested my head on a folded arm behind it, putting my feet up on the rail at the end of my bed.

I had convinced the un-convincable.

I was a hero in my mind. **_Only in my mind..._**

If Luke and Liam had been here to see this, my_ God_, they'd be shocked.  
>I smiled stupidly as I heard the front door close. Mum had left for the shops.<p>

I looked at my phone, 7:22a.m, too early to be awake if I wasn't going to school.  
>But I was far too happy to fall asleep.<p>

I was even managing to ignore the fact that I wasn't really all that well.  
>I was still in pain, and I'm pretty sure I might've needed medical attention, but I didn't care.<p>

**_and to think, last night you'd hoped you wouldn't wake up._**

**_last night, you hoped something was very wrong._**  
><strong><em><br>you hoped you'd never wake up._**  
><strong><em><br>You hoped for death, as some sort of sick revenge against Tyler, your therapist, and deep down, even against your own mother._**

My thoughts shook me from my good mood.

**_Wow, I'm sort of an asshole._**


	18. Chapter 18

About an hour passed.

My thoughts had changed my good mood to a slight guilty depression.  
>I heard a knock at the door, and stumbled to my feet to answer it.<p>

I slowly walked down the stairs in case it was my mother, I didn't want an enthusiastic stroll down the stairs to foil my act.

I swung the door open.

It wasn't my mother.  
>It was my Art teacher.<p>

"How do you know where I live?" my tone heightened.

"Don't worry, Shaun. I'm not here to bust you or get you in trouble or anything. I just wanted to drop off some work. Your mother rang the school and said you weren't feeling well, and I'm pretty sure I understand why. SO I collected some English and Math sheets and an Art assignment. Nothing too huge or straining, and it'll occupy you over the weekend."

"It's _Friday_ today?" I slurred.

She gave me a concerned stare.

"Yes, Shaun. It's Friday."

She continued to ramble on about work when suddenly she mentioned Andy's name.

"Wait, what about Andy?"

She sighed deeply. "He's joined our class. He wanted to do art and considering he's probably the only person I've seen you talk to at school, I put him on our roster."

"Isn't he like, in a different grade?" I squinted as the natural light hit my face.

"We're in a mixed class, Shaun..." she sighed again. "Are you alright?"

She steadied me by putting her hand on my shoulder, I flinched and held my arm up, covering my face as I stepped back.

She glanced at my wrist._ - I know for a fact what she must've seen, but she made no comment._

She forced a cardboard folder into my hands and met my eyes with her own.

"I don't know what you've been through, and I don't know how things are at home for you. or how long you've been dealing with certain things at school. But if ever you should need anyone, I'm always here."

I feigned a crooked smile in response.

Just as she was about to leave my mother pulled up in the driveway, and looked confused.

"Shaun, who is this? Why are you out of bed? What's going on?" she seemed worried as she got out of the car,  
>grabbing bags of groceries.<p>

I unclenched my grip on my ribs, and dropped the folder of worksheets on the bottom step of the staircase,  
>and rushed over to help her.<p>

"Mum, this is my Art class teacher, Miss McKinley." I said as I grabbed two or three bags of shopping.

"Oh... Well it's nice to meet you Miss McKinley, but why are you here?" she stammered.

"You can call me Vanessa, and I'm here because I was dropping off a few sheets of work so Shaun doesn't get in strife when he gets back to school."_** fuck.**_

"Why would Shaun be in 'strife' when he gets back to school?" Mum interjected.

"Well because he's hardly done any work this semester. He needs to catch up." **_fuck, fuck._**

"I'm sure you're mistaken, my boy has always done all his work at school. He's always tried his best too."  
>She continued to defend me as she put her arm on my shoulder.<p>

"I'll take this stuff inside, mum." I said, cutting them both off as I grabbed more bags of groceries.

_**She's going to get me in more trouble than anyone.**_

_**Why'd she have to open her mouth?**_

_**I thought she was one of the few people who wasn't against me?**_

She had even offered to help me, although I didn't really want to talk.**_ To anyone. About anything._**

_**I guess it's just much easier to tear myself apart.**_


	19. Chapter 19

I helped mum pack the groceries away and headed back up to my room, work folder in hand.

My mother smiled and walked into the lounge room, as she did, I reached my bedroom doorway.

Leaning against the door to close it, I relaxed my arms behind me and swiftly tossed the folder full of schoolwork into the bin. With a blank expression I slid myself down from my standing position, on to the floor and rested my head on the door, pulling my knees towards my chest and folding my arms around them.

"What am I gonna do now?" I whispered.

_**I can't believe you've gone and done this again. What is wrong with you?**_

_**You need to keep up. You need to sort yourself out.**_

_**You need help.**_

I slid down off the door and curled into a ball on the carpet. My thoughts consumed me until I fell asleep.

*** * ***

-

I was stirred awake by a strange thought. Before I could dwell on it, I heard a tapping noise.

**tap-tap-tap.**

I looked under the door, expecting to see the feet of someone standing on the other side. Instead, nobody.

**tap-tap-tap.**

I'm obviously just imagining things, or there's a bird or something on the roof. I climbed into bed and rolled to face the wall, covering myself with the blanket.

"Shaun. _Shaun!_"

Andy? At the window? I sat up, shocked and pulled up the blinds, sure enough, Andy was standing on the roof of the covering in the side yard. I slid the window open, just enough to lean out a little.

"Andy what are you doing here?" I whispered, confused.

"I was going for one of those romantic 'climbing in through the bedroom window' scenes." he replied, jokingly. _I think..._

"Get inside before I get in trouble, you idiot!" I slid the window open far enough to pull him through, and grabbed both his arms, pulling him off his feet and on to the bed. In doing so, I fell backwards on the bed, and Andy landed on top of me, laying across my stomach.

Andy grinned and giggled, I smiled for a second, then came to my senses.

"Fuck. Get off me, Andy."

"Woah, stop freaking out! It was an accident, man." he added.

"Keep your voice down, for God's sake, do you want to get me in trouble!?"

"Lighten up, Shaun. Your mum would probably be stoked that you're having friends over for once."

**_That hurt._** **Andy was basically the only person that never pointed out my blatantly obvious lack of friends.**

I crawled up from under him, and sat against the wall near the top of the bed, Andy rolled off the bed and leaned over to close the window. Then took a seat at the computer chair and rested a backpack on the desk.

"Is it really that bad?" I asked, my voice shook and broke a little.

"What?" Andy hadn't even realised what he'd said, he shoved a few chips from his bag in his mouth and chewed them loudly.

"That I only have like one or two friends, and I've only had them for a few weeks."

"No way, man. One or two is all you need." he smiled.

"What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I was bored, I just came over to see if you wanted to go somewhere."

"What time is it?"

"About nine-thirty."

**9:30? On a Friday night? _Why was my house so quiet?_**

"I guess so, then. As long as I'm back before one or two in the morning."

Andy snickered at the curfew I had given myself, and threw a shirt off my desk at me.

"Get changed, probably into something warm."

*** * ***

I slid on a clean pair of black skinny jeans, a T-shirt and some shoes, then crouched down and looked under my bed for a jacket. I found a hoodie, and pulled it on quickly.  
>Meanwhile, Andy was opening the window, again, and climbing out.<p>

"Leave it open a bit when you come out so you can get back in." He laughed.

**_I'm not stupid. I was going to._**

"Okay..."

As soon as I placed one leg out the window, I felt guilty.

**_Where are you going?_**

**_What happens if your mother comes in and you're not here?_**

**_You're being stupid and irresponsible._**

Andy silence my thoughts by handing me a clear bottle of alcohol.

"What is this?" I asked, searching for a label on the bottle.

"Vodka. Drink it."

"I thought we were just going out, Andy. I didn't know we'd be drinking..."

"For fuck's sake, Shaun. You're acting like a scared little child."

I glared at him and took a large mouthful of the vodka. It burned my throat a little, but I kept a straight face to prove a point. Andy laughed and jumped down off the roof of the covering, on to the fence.  
>I followed after him, and once we'd safely made it to the ground, we ran down the back street and out of possible parent's sight and earshot.<p>

"Where are we going, Andy?" I laughed, while running and taking another sip of the drink.

"Just a friend's house, he's having a party." **_I didn't like the sound of that._**

"A friend? Of yours? But I don't know them... I wasn't invited."

"Nobody was _invited_, Shaun. Anyone's allowed to go."

After just under half an hour, I'd finished the entire bottle of vodka, the effects of the alcohol had more than begun to set in. After running for so long we'd stopped at a house, as soon as I stopped, I looked up at the night sky, and the stars began to blur.  
>Andy saw me standing there, distracted, and grabbed my hand and lead me inside.<p>

"This is my friend, Shannon's house. His parents are out-of-town and he's doing what any teenager does."

I assumed he meant 'have a massive party with lots of people getting drunk', and I was only new to this.  
>Andy took me inside and introduced me to Shannon. A tall-ish boy with dark olive skin, built-ish frame and a mess of curly, brown hair. He looked like the sort of person that was angered easily, however, he greeted me with a smile and a stern handshake.<p>

"Hi, Shaun. Any friend of Andy's is a friend of mine. Help yourself to the fridge or anything, mate."

_**I'm not your 'mate.'**_

I smiled back and nodded to agree. Andy shoved another bottle of alcohol in my hand and pulled off the lid, grinning.

**This was going to be an interesting night.**


End file.
